Am I the only one, or do other women toss and turn at night with regret? Regret over a foolish word, or a wasted hour (or day), or an impulse purchase, or any number of unforgivable sins we humans are so well known for. And how long ought the tossing and turning to last in order for me to feel forgiven, or to forgive myself? How much penance is enough? We really need to resurrect the doctrine of Purgatory . . . we have so much practice residing there, trying desperately to purify ourselves.
And that's where we are wrong. As you tossers and turners ought to know by now, purifying ourselves just doesn't work. As soon as the memory of our misdeed arises, we bounce right back into penance mode, trying to do/say/pray anything good to re-redeem ourselves. No hope.
You know what that says about us? We are full of pride with a capital "p". We do not really want to believe that we are sinners deserving of judgment. We are Americans, after all; we can do this goodness thing on our own. And we can save ourselves too, thank you very much. But we as believers really do know better. It should come as no surprise that none of the above is true. We are wretched and incapable of rescuing ourselves, even if we are the nicest people we know. Psalm 103, my Summer 2010 psalm, reminds me daily that God knows my frame, he remembers that I am dust, even when I forget. And that is why he has compassion on me. (Read it again and again to see what his compassion looks like.) And my pride falls away, because I really do live in the pit of my sinfulness and he redeems me from it (v.4).
James so graciously reminds us of a truth we learned as believers a long time ago: But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." Submit yourselves, therefore, to God. . . . Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you. (James 4:6-7a, 10) I like to think of it as "crumbling" before the Lord, falling at his feet, relieving myself of my sinful pride and foolishness, and letting him lift me up. That is the only hope I have.
So tossers and turners, I challenge you to crumble before God before you go to bed at night, and let him show compassion on you. "For he knows your frame, he remembers that you are dust."
Please share what you have learned in the wee hours of the morning, during your own personal purgatories.
Jean
Thanks for this post, which I can certainly relate to. How good to remember that He not only remembers that I am dust, He also sympathizes with my weaknesses. Those things for which I am beating myself up are indeed sinful and show me what a wretch I am. But once I have "crumbled" before Him in confession and repentance, I remind myself that Jesus is the Friend of sinners, and He does not condemn.
ReplyDeleteWhat a sweet relief it is to acknowledge that I really CAN'T do this "living a holy life" thing! The nagging guilty feelings of condemnation come from one who wants me to keep trying to prove that I can do it, because that will keep me ineffective and full of uncertainty, or actually, unbelief in what Jesus has already done.